When Zadey was just about a month old Joanne, Zadey and I went to the grocery store. No big deal, millions of people did this everyday. Well, there was a lady who worked there who stopped us to comment on how beautiful Zadey is. Joanne had her strapped to her using the snuggli and I was pushing the cart and doing the shopping. When the lady started talking, I stopped and waited for her to be done looking and commenting. When she said she was beautiful, Joanne and I said together “thank you.” This doesn’t sound like a big deal though right? Well, when we both said thank you, she pointed at me and said “Oh, she’s your baby?” I replied and said “she’s our baby!” She then looked at Joanne, pointed at her and said “She’s your baby?” This woman was seriously confused. Joanne tells her “she’s our baby!” She looks at me again and says “your baby?” At this point, I’m feeling a little frusterated with her. I look at her and say “I’m her wife, she’s my wife, and that’s OUR baby.” Joanne and I walk away.

Why is it so difficult for people? Isn’t it time that we just open our mind and realize a few things? Here’s some things I have learned through the adoption of Zadey:

• Not every pregnant woman is happy about it. Zadey’s birth-Mom couldn’t have hated the thought that she was pregnant anymore. And if she didn’t (I have some weird feelings about this), she sure put on the act well that she hates my child.

• People cannot fathom the outside of the box family structure. Two women raise children together, two men raise children together and yes, a man and a woman raise children together. All situations create a family.

• Only a small handful of people have anything good to say about the process of adoption and usually, symphathy goes to this “hurting and tramatized birth-Mother”

• Because another woman carried your child, others believe that woman deserves the title of “Mom” in some way.

From the adoptive Mother’s point of view allow me to comment on each point.

1) Not every pregnant woman is happy about it. Zadey’s birth-Mom couldn’t have hated the thought that she was pregnant anymore. And if she didn’t (I have some weird feelings about this), she sure put on the act well that she hates my child.

It’s true. When I see pregnant women I look at them in awe. Oh, she must be so happy…she has LIFE growing inside of her!! What an amazing experience. If you want to feel good about being pregnant, I’m the girl to go to. Zadey’s birth-Mother, not so much. She made it clear from the beginning that she hated being pregnant, she hated the child and felt no love for her. She wasn’t happy, she wasn’t thrilled and mostly, she didn’t even have a care in the world about the life growing inside of her. I was wrong…not every woman is thrilled to be pregnant.

2) People cannot fathom the outside of the box family structure. Two women raise children together, two men raise children together and yes, a man and a woman raise children together. All situations create a family.

This is becoming more and more popular. Gays and lesbians are no longer hiding inside of their closet and finally persuing their own family dreams. We’re adopting children, we’re having others carry them for us, we’re using invetro and we’re raising them in a gay relationship. There is nothing wrong with this! My children will not be any different than those produced from a straight relationship other than one possible thing. My children will have tolerance, understanding, and be uneffected by a different family structure because they grew up in one. Do you look at children being raised by grandparents different? Then why would you look at my children differently? And there’s another thing to keep in mind. If you do not like MY relationship, you do not allow yourself to use that against my child. They didn’t choose us…or maybe they did? But it is not up to others to punish them when they believe it is their parents who are wrong.

3) Only a small handful of people have anything good to say about the process of adoption and usually, symphathy goes to this “hurting and tramatized birth-Mother”

I believe it may only be a small number of cases like this. I watched as Zadey’s birth-Mother recieve symphathy from everyone around her for giving up her child. I had a hard time keeping my mouth shut. Wait! You need to know: She’s done nothing but talk shit about my kid for the last 9 months, she bragged to my best friend about doing drugs early in her pregnancy, she admitted to me she had “no maternal feelings” even to the 2 children previous to my child (who are being raised by their biological father), she flat out said “I don’t love her,” she didn’t even want to look at her when she was born, she told me “if I kept her, child protective services would end up having her in a month,” and if she hadn’t of found us to adopt, she was going to leave my child at the hospital and just check out… and you think that that she’s hurting? I think she’s a cold little girl in a woman’s body. I lived with her for months and I know her well…she doesn’t give a damn so don’t waste your time giving her a pity party.

4) Because another woman carried your child, others believe that woman deserves the title of “Mom” in some way.

Do not take away my rights as a Mother because my daughter is adopted. When meeting adoptive parents, keep this simple thing in mind: They did not approach a pregnant woman who wanted her child and say “Oh, please please please let me have your baby!” No, it doesn’t work like that. It is first the pregnant woman who chooses not to keep that child and then seeks out the adoptive family. I admit, some Mothers who have given up their child have a hard time with this. The battle between keeping my child because I want it and the battle of not being able to properly care for the child. I acknowledge these types of situations are out there and I do feel for those women and believe they deserve support and understanding. This was not our case though! Furthemore, in either case, it is my opinion that a woman who carries a child and gives that child away should not be called “Mom.” No, I’m Mom! I’m the one that changes the poop diapers, I’m up at 12 AM, 3 AM, and 6 AM when my baby calls for a bottle. I’m there when she bumps her head, skins her knee, and I’m there when she’s screaming and crying because she doesn’t feel well, someone hurt her feelings, or something doesn’t feel right, and countless other experiences that the woman who carried her will not enjoy, deal with, or handle in any way. All this makes me, MOM! The woman who carried my child is a birth-Mother and in my case, she should really just be called an egg-doner.

I’m proud that I’m an adoptive Mother. I’m anxious for the day, not long from here where Joanne and I look at a judge and hear that she’s ours. I will sleep well at night from then on no matter how many times Zadey wakes up. Why? I will no longer go to bed with knots in my stomatch and wonder “will tomorrow be the day she changes her mind and someone comes to take Zadey away?” I’ll be able to watch police cars pass my house and not tense that they’re here because egg-doner did it… she’s taking my child and Zadey is going to go and live someplace awful with someone who’s even worse. What would I do without her? What would she do without us?

I’ve been through a lot of things in my life. This process has been the worst. I’m stressed everyday worrying about the end of the process. I revel each moment with Zadey as if someone is going to take her, and I often cry when I’m alone because of the pain and worry of this awful egg-doner. Adoption may not be the answer for us again, it’s almost more than I can bare. Next time… I think I’ll carry the child. No one will take that one away from us!

The reward for this….it’s amazing. Her little face, her adorable smile, the tiny cute giggle, the 10 little toes and 10 little fingers, the way she kicks and flaps in the tub to feel the water swish around her, the smiles at the first bites of sweet potatoes and bananas…like she didn’t just eat them yesterday. The way that she turns and looks at me when I’m walking past her, the adorable cry that I hear when I walk out of the room, the sound of her finally able to reach the toys on the bouncer chair and the babbles from her mouth as she’s learning to make noises at everything. The way that she sucks on her fingers when she can’t find her binkie and the way she loves everyone. To stand next to her bed each morning and see the smile on her face. To watch the wonder in her eyes as she lights up to see something new, to realize that there are animals living in the house and they make noise and move! These things among the thousand other things she does that makes my heart sink and melt and sing inside. She’s amazing, she’s growing so fast and I would do this stress, process, worry, pain, joy, and the most amazing love I’ve every felt 1 billion times over again to be Zadey’s Mom. I cannot image loving anyone more.